Amusement Alley

Ahh, Orlando… more theme parks per square mile than New York has bodegas.

I spent the last couple of years working for ABC News, which, as most of you probably know, is owned by Disney. It didn’t have much effect on the general work day, but a few times a year – usually about the time Gwen was getting a generous bonus – I’d get an envelope in the mail with a formulated thank you letter and a couple complimentary passes to Disney theme parks. Great.

I pawned a couple of these off on friends who lived in Florida but for the most part the passes just sat in a desk drawer. Until now! I may have left Mickey’s family but I’d be damned if I wasn’t going to enjoy a complimentary day of waiting in lines while we were in Orlando. I mean, c’mon… it’s free.

As an added bonus, our host in Orlando works for Sea World and scored us passes there as well. Two full days of theme-tastic fun, and we were gonna do it right. We bought ourselves some old people hats, slathered on the sunscreen, and set out to experience the magic.

Now I’m going to get straight to the point, and apologies to my former employer, but Disney World kind of sucks. We went to Epcot and the Magic Kingdom, went on one (that’s right ONE) ride because everything was a two-hour plus wait, struggled to avoid spending large quantities of cash every two feet, and basically thanked god we didn’t have small children in conniptions along for the ride. What struck me most while walking around Epcot was how unhappy people looked. Seriously… they were sunburned, browbeaten by their kids, and just didn’t look like they were having fun. I’m not being cynical here, I was honestly surprised by the high level of misery on display.

Also… you had to wait in another hour-long line just to get your picture taken with Chip ‘n’ Dale. Lame.

Now Sea World on the other hand, while just as crass, over-paved, and over-heated, is actually a lot of fun. They have a dolphin show which was described to me as “artistic”. It is. There are high-divers, flocks of parrots, REALLY well trained dolphins, and trainers in costumes that would make a drag queen swoon. The whole place is smaller and more manageable than Disney and lines are much shorter. We rode “Kraken” – the one big roller coaster – twice, and didn’t wait more than 15 minutes.

The real kicker though, and why Walt and his dreams pale in comparison to Shamu and her shear animal power, is that Sea World is owned and operated by Anheuser-Busch. Not highly publicized, there’s a cool, airy building in the back of the park with a long bar that dispenses beer of all types, styles, and tastes. And it’s free. Yup. Free.

Enough said. Conclusion: if you’re in Orlando and feel a strange compulsion to visit a theme park, resist it. But if you can’t, go to Sea World. The kids will love it, and if you join the “Brew Master’s Club,” you might too.